MOVIE REVIEW: Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) *1/2

Review:
I don't hate "Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon." I don't like it…but I don't hate it. So far I've been less than impressed with all of the Transformers movies, mostly due to everything having to do with the humans. The humans are generally unlikable, and largely incompetent. They're also not real people, so there's nothing to really connect to as a viewer. They're just a bunch of one-note cartoon characters running around being loud and stupid. The CGI created Transformers seem much deeper and more real than the humans. It's a wonder Optimus Prime even bothers assisting the humans at all. If I were him, I'd join forces with Megatron and wipe this rock clean of any trace of we…the fleshy insect like creatures.


…


I've just been told that I need to write more, because one paragraph reviews are for pussies. Personally, I think padding succinct opinions for the sake of conveying some sort of idea that any "deep thought" went into the creation of a review is for pussies. Am I alone here?
Gah. Okay…


There's a lot of stuff blowing up. That stuff is pretty cool. I personally believe that Michael Bay is on a personal mission to direct the most highway action scenes in cinema history. Seriously, the man has never met a highway he didn't want to destroy. I can't really fault him for it though, because he's really fraking good at it. The highway scene in this flick is maybe the best I've ever seen…ever. Plus he answers one of my biggest questions about what would happen to a human sitting inside a Transformer when it transforms back into robot form. Here's a hint: It's not what I thought would happen.


The parts where the movie isn't blowing stuff up are what's wrong here. Where Michael Bay can expertly direct action scenes, he has absolutely no idea what to do with a cast of over-qualified actors. He takes folks like John Turturro, John Malkovich, and Frances McDormand and turns them into buffoons…which is extremely frustrating to watch. If you want quality buffoon actors, why not bring in William Shatner, Craig Fergeson, and Carol Kane? At least then you're casting to type, and maximizing your potential for total buffoonery. (NOTE: That is not a slight on the Shat, Craigy Ferg, or Mrs. Kane…I like them immensely for what they do best, which is why they would have been PERFECT here.)


"Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon" is a movie made for the lowest common denominator. It is for action movies what "Vampire's Suck" is for comedies: Moments of brilliance buried under a mountain of unwatchable crap.


I take it back. I do hate hit.


VERDICT: *1/2 out of 5

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